Team Relationships are an Inside Job

As an expert in team and relationship coaching, the most consistent and pressing concern I hear about is the absence of psychological safety in the workplace, and I hear it from most levels of organizations. The most visible symptoms on teams are an absence of trust and passivity of many voices. The common assumption is that the absence of that safety is the responsibility of “the other” and that the only path to improvement is through change by “the other”. While there are many examples of poor communication and behavior, poor leadership or management, and even “toxic” people, my experience working with hundreds of teams and thousands of people tells a different story. And the story it tells can inspire hope for a more trusting and connected future.

While we all have a unique story that includes what has happened to us, we also have incredible personal power to choose the story of our life today and the story of our life that is emerging. In fact, we are the only ones that can truly impact the quality of our lives and the quality of our relationships from this day forward. While we cannot change others, and while others may behave intolerably, we have the choice of how we respond with our thoughts, our words, and our actions.

Imagine a team of unique individuals that are open, honest, and courageously authentic. What are the characteristics that form the bedrock of safety, trust, and willingness to be unmasked? Perhaps if we first explore by example some of the characteristics that impede that bedrock, we will discover the keys to more harmonious relationships and teams.

Jonah and his “Blue” Energy

Jonah is a highly accomplished leader, reporting to a Vice President of a Fortune 500 biotechnology company. He recently learned that a re-org of his team was forthcoming. A new leader would be joining from outside of the company and would be forming an additional layer of management between his boss and the President. With most details unavailable and yet unannounced, Jonah was assured that his role was safe and that his strategic position was both valued and recognized.

As part of the new leader onboarding process, I was invited to facilitate an introductory teambuilding session, using the Insights Discovery tool to explore communication and workstyle preferences. Having led hundreds of these types of engagements to kick start teams, the experience is typically positive, fun, and inclusive. It’s often a surprising relief for participants to feel valued, regardless of their “type”. Most of the time, participants are open and even eager to share their results with others to deepen connection and shared understanding.

As this session was approaching, Jonah reached out to let me know that he had been through teambuilding exercises before and was not comfortable. Based on experience, he felt at risk with the new leader, and others on the team, if they found out he had so little “blue energy”. He believed that there was a “type recipe” for this team and even this company, and that it required a high percentage of “blue” to be considered valuable. If he were “found out”, people would judge him and make assumptions about his capabilities.

I wish I could say this is an unusual feeling for people. Unfortunately, most of us spend a lot of time worrying about what others think. What is less common however is to have someone say it out loud. While Jonah assumed a lot about the leader, team, and company, the opportunity he created by bringing his normal fear to the surface was the first key to building safety and trust on the team. Through normalizing common concerns, space was created for others to bring their realness to the conversation too. That candor begins to sow seeds of psychological safety where trust can grow.

The inside job for Jonah was to look at his own self-critic and the beliefs he had about his ability to be successful. Once he embraced his strengths and realized he was not limited by his workstyle preferences, he was free to be himself and contribute fully. I never tire of the joy I feel witnessing bright people surprise themselves by sharing personal insights that result in a greater belonging and self-confidence.

Comparison. Healthy or Unhealthy?

One of my favorite coaching clients is a brilliant and accomplished woman, Yasmina. She has completed her PhD, published many scientific papers, achieved senior director level at a Fortune100 tech company, and oh, she is from Kazakhstan and just 29 years old. The challenges she has faced, and the obstacles overcome command my deepest level of respect and it is a privilege to support her growth.

With all that success, it is surprising that Yasmina struggles internally with self-esteem. As an accomplished female research scientist, her colleagues are primarily male, her classmates and professors were primarily male, and she was raised in a culture that favored men. Surprisingly, these conditions did not generate bitterness, but instead fierce determination, along with exceedingly high expectations of herself. She exudes confidence, voices strong opinions, and expects to be treated equally. Her performance reviews have been stellar and her upline leadership regularly engages in promotional development conversations.  

On the surface, there is not an obvious problem, yet Yasmina has become increasingly preoccupied with the activities, assignments, conversations, resource allocations, and verbal recognition of others on her team. Her internal comparison to others has begun to manifest externally in behavior that is competitive, argumentative, and in persistent need of validation. These behaviors and communication patterns in turn create relationship friction on the team and frustration for the manager. The result may hinder her promotions, but more importantly, her passion and full potential to generate impact.

Yasmina’s drive and intellect are unquestionable; however, her habit of comparison has become an impediment to her growth, and perhaps her fulfillment. When we compare what is happening in our internal state with what we see happening in others external state, we are in the realm of unhealthy comparison. This is the realm of division; win/lose, superior/inferior, favored/unfavored, deserving/undeserving, etc. Yasmina began to compare “who she is” with “what others do”, and in the process began to equate her intrinsic value to job responsibilities and assignments. We are all so much more than what we do.

Comparison CAN be healthy. When we can compare the uniqueness of how we do our work or how we express ourselves, or how we lead or manage others, not as better or worse, but as distinctive, we are in the realm of healthy comparison. We are ready and available to meet the opportunities that are a match for what we uniquely offer, while being happy for opportunities that find others. This is the second key.

The inside job for Yasmina, is to embrace her unique voice, her lens on the team’s work, her vision of future possibilities, and her passion for learning, writing, and sharing for good. As she shifts her comparison to the things that are beyond what others are doing or getting, her internal tension will settle, and the team relationships will benefit.

As your focus shifts to self, what is the emerging story you are writing? How do you want to be known? How do you want to contribute? What will you do to instill safety and trust for others? Relationships are an inside job.