The Surprising Power of Presence

The Power of Presence

Recently, my daughter and I attended a Guest Chef Night in Seattle, supporting the nonprofit, FareStart. We were being served by volunteer community members and FareStart students learning on-the-job skills to help them achieve stability and economic mobility. About half-way through the incredible meal and service, a senior executive of FareStart gathered the attention of the dining room to deliver some brief remarks about the organization and its mission. Apparently, the CEO normally presents, but he was ill, and this was a last-minute speaker change. As the woman began her presentation, my daughter and I stopped eating, turned toward her, and listened attentively. Initially, she seemed a bit nervous, but very authentic and intrinsically knowledgeable about everything she was sharing. Her passion and commitment to the mission was clear. The overall presentation was inspiring, engaging, and not disruptive to the flow of the evening at all. We went back to enjoying our meal.

About 45 minutes later, the woman appeared at our table. She wanted to thank us and tell us how impactful we were and how supported she felt. She shared that she was a bit nervous to be talking unexpectedly. She experienced us like “beams of light” and the presence she felt from us, as strangers, helped her and made a difference for her that night. My daughter and I were both surprised and a bit speechless. But we affirmed her, the evening, and the organization and thanked her for letting us know the impact our presence had on her. It was such a reminder that through true presence with an open heart, we can have meaningful impact anytime. I often speak to teams and leaders about “leaking the truth”, but I forget to emphasize that we can “leak very positive truth” too!

So much energy in life, work and in my coaching conversations is spent trying to figure out how to have more impact. How to contribute more powerfully and purposefully.  How to align authenticity with expression that is “appropriate”. Always striving to be more, learn more, do more, influence more.

Presence is the core element of communication impact. We can learn about communication through classes, books, coaching, workshops, and more. But we can immediately change the game with our presence and that doesn’t require anything other than a decision and practice.

If Self-Awareness is the doorway to powerful leadership (as I assert in my 8/26/24 blog post), Presence is the threshold to communication (spoken or not) that generates safety and trust in all relationships. It is who we are, more than what we do, that other living beings respond to. Embracing and practicing true presence is one very important key to success in leadership and teams.

Executives and Leaders

One of the simplest ways to practice presence as a leader is through listening. Note that I said it is a simple way, but by no means easy. Even for trained therapists, coaches, and advisors who are paid to listen, it is exceptionally hard to do. Whether you are the leader in your family, leader of a team, or leader of a project, effective and impactful listening requires intention and effort. In other words, it takes practice. Partnership with someone supportive that will tell you the truth without judgment is also helpful in developing listening skills.

Listening Levels:  1, 2, 3

There are many ways to describe types of listening, but I like the simplicity of Listening Levels taught by the Co-Active Training Institute (CTI). Listening levels are not good or bad, right or wrong. Each is appropriate situationally, and it is important to consider the impact on the recipient or your audience in each circumstance.

Listening Level 1 Overview:

Listening through the lens of self. Listening for what is interesting to us, what matters to us, and what relates to us and our own experience, past or present. Level 1 is useful when we are the student or the mentee or in learning mode, as it can help us to integrate information. Level 1 can be harmful when we interrupt or interject to shift the conversation focus back to ourselves, our experience, or our advice. This can create disconnection and diminish relational trust.

Listening Level 2 Overview:

Listening with focused attention on the other, with the intent to understand. Listening for the meaning being expressed through the words. Listening for what is important to the person speaking. Level 2 is useful in relationship development, feedback and coaching conversations, and collaboration/partnering conversations, as it builds trust and a sense of psychological safety. Level 2 is less useful in transactional conversations, planning and direction-giving conversations and in group meetings when deeper individual and personal focus is not needed.

Listening Level 3 Overview:

Listening for and paying attention to information including and beyond the words or conversation at hand. Noticing environmental cues, energy and moods, sensory information, emotional sensations, and anything observable or felt. Level 3 is useful when presenting, performing, coaching, leading, facilitating, and influencing, as it provides the ability to “read the room or the audience”. Level 3 is less accessible in chaotic, highly stimulating, loud or fast-moving environments, as it relies on internal stillness and relaxed composure.

HOW ARE YOU LISTENING?

Take the challenge!

1. Make a list of 5 relationships that are important to you in your personal life or in your role.
2. Reflect on your last conversation with each of them and jot a few notes from memory. What was it about? How did it go? What was the outcome?
3. Consider the three levels of listening described above and honestly assess which level YOU were listening from for each. (For this exercise, it does not matter what the other was saying or doing – how were you listening?)
4. If you could re-record, what one thing would you do to improve your listening in each conversation?
5. Write down the 1-5 things that you would do to improve and practice in upcoming conversations.

When it comes to listening and presence, we are not evaluated on our intentions, but on our observable behaviors and the truth that is sometimes beyond our words.

Teams

We are never neutral. In each moment, we are either contributing positively or negatively through our presence. Whether at a meeting in person, in a virtual meeting room, or on the phone, our presence has impact. Just as walking down the hall, getting coffee at the community kitchen, acknowledging the front desk or security personnel, paying the parking attendant, or yielding to another car trying to enter the roadway; we are not neutral. There is difference between cordiality and presence. And we all know what that difference feels like.

Over the past 10 days, I was privileged to work with 3 very different teams from 3 different organizations. Common in each of the 3 teams was passion, loyalty, determination, big goals, big challenges, and a desire to build stronger teams. Simultaneously, I observed and heard fear, vulnerability, self-doubt, guardedness, and passive judgment. These polarities are normal in most teams, as they are made up of perfectly imperfect individuals like you and me.

One participant statement that caught my attention was that “Teambuilding is really hard when there is a lot of change. How do you build teams without stability?”. The beauty of that statement and question was that the participant, the senior leader, and the entire team were entirely present to hear both the words and the feelings of the words in that moment. That is a beautiful example of contributing positively, even in challenging conversations. There are many ways to contribute positively in teams and meetings, even without words:

• Be mindful of your facial expressions – this is HUGE
• Make eye contact with the speaker and with colleagues
• Take a deep breath and bring your attention to the room
• Listen with curiosity
• Ask thoughtful, well-intended questions
• Speak first if you usually speak last
• Invite others to speak, if you usually speak first or a lot!
• Put devices out of sight
• Listen for what is “right”, rather than looking for what is “wrong”
• Acknowledge through gestures, expressions, or words

While all three of these teams were exceptional and inspiring, there were many examples of negative impact through behaviors that we assume to be neutral and/or unnoticed.

• Facial expressions that appear closed, guarded, questioning, disapproving, or even disliking
• Looking at watches while someone is speaking
• Looking at phones
• Looking at phones, pretending we are not looking at phones!
• Crossing arms or closing body position
• Continuing a side conversation while the speaker has begun
• Standing up from a meeting table, demonstrating impatience
• Making visible side glances to one colleague when another colleague is speaking
• Passivity or non-participation in breakout conversations
• Opening laptop
• Looking down or away when someone is presenting

It is important to note that the list above is not meant to be a judgment of right or wrong, nor an indicator of intention or awareness. Often, behaviors and intentions in meetings and in teams generally are centered in either self-protection or self-promotion. We want to look good, and we don’t want to look bad. If we truly knew the potential negative impact of these seemingly benign behaviors, we would likely be more intentional.

In our hybrid world, presence in meetings is even more difficult. Even if someone doesn’t see whatever it is that we are doing (i.e. off screen), they feel it and it is known and it has impact. This is a complex challenge, and together with the topics of meetings and time management with meetings, the most prevalent issues that I hear facing teams in our current climate. That is for another post, but as a starting point, what you can do now, is pay attention…to yourself, your intentions, and your inner truth. The foundational nature of communication requires awareness to then choose presence. While this all sounds simple, it is not easy and may take as much fortitude as training for a marathon. It all begins with one step.

Tips to Engage Team Presence in Meetings

• 2-Minute Brain Dump
  • Use the first 2-minutes of your meeting for a simple brain-dump.
  • Set a timer for 2-minutes.
  • Everyone writes or types a list of anything and everything that is in the mind. (Looming deadlines, previous meetings, hunger, errands, kid pickups, etc.)
  • At the end of 2-minutes, set the list aside, enjoy the freed up mind space, and relax knowing the list can be picked up when the meeting adjourns.

• 1-Minute P & B
  • Once everyone is physically present, take 1 intentional minute of silence with no devices.
  • During the 1 minute, Pause and Breathe
  • This 1 minute exercise supports being regulated and grounded (which certainly support presence and contributions)

• One-Word Check-In
  • As the meeting is kicking off, before actual agenda items begin, invite everyone to take 30 seconds to check-in with self and identify one word that represents their current state. (Mood, feeling, perspective, etc.)
  • Go around and in turn, have each person share their word.
  • When all have shared, say a collective “Thank You” and move forward with the agenda.
  • Note this is not an interactive dialogue, no questions or curiosities during or after the meeting.

Manager Development

As managers, one primary influencer of presence is our personal style. We tend to engage with others in the ways we like to be engaged with. We present information the way we want to be presented to. We communicate expectations as we like to receive them. We provide feedback in the ways we like feedback. We attempt to motivate others based on our own motivations. We value workstyles and outputs that align to our own success measurements.

In one form or another, my executive coaching sessions often center on challenges with the person’s direct manager. Regardless of the tenure, level or role, the manager relationship carries so much weight. With over 20 years specializing in corporate team relationships, I love helping people discover ways to remain authentic and true to themselves, while at the same time, learning how to bridge their communication “up” to their manager or skip-level manager. Pragmatically speaking, it is simply a necessity of corporate life. Emotionally however, it can be difficult for people to understand why the bridge-building doesn’t go both ways. Like everything else pertaining to awareness and presence, people don’t generally intend to offend, harm, or disrespect others. It is simply a lack of awareness, and the absence of intentional dialogue to understand others, that is the culprit.

Some examples of what manager disconnection sounds like (from coaching conversations):

• “She/he expects me to step up quickly and take assignments like another does, but I don’t have the history or experience yet being newer to the team.”
• “The expectation of immediate response to high volume email creates constant interruption and I need focused time to complete quality deliverables. Saying no is clearly not a norm on the team or with my manager.”
• “They have a rollercoaster communication style and it can be convoluted and intimidating. I’m not sure how to respond.”
• “The directness of my manager feels critical and blaming and its beginning to hit my self-esteem.”
• “I want my boss to respect me and know I am good at my job. They are nice but the feedback they give me is general about vision, people contribution, problem solving, etc. What about my technical work? That is what’s most important.”
• “When my manager said xyz, it shut me down.”
• “They gave me a glowing review, but it doesn’t align with previous conversations. Why the pivot? What’s their intention?”
• “I thought we were on the same page as a team for a strategy review but when we met, things started to get tense, and they commented that what I put together was not what they wanted. I pushed back based on earlier agreements, but they just got impatient with process and moved ahead without enough information.”

Manager effectiveness is dependent on the engagement (direct and indirect) of those managed. One critical ingredient for engagement is trust. And trust is built when there is psychological safety, empathy, understanding, and a sense of being seen and valued. The challenge is that different people have different needs, so managers need to learn to adapt their own approach with each employee to inspire and engage. This can feel like a monumental task. Most managers are also performing full-time in their own direct role, so time is not just a luxury, it most often feels like a pipedream.

Manager-Employee Quick Connection Roadmap

You don’t have to wait for the next teambuilding session or offsite to move the needle on management presence through adaptive communication. Here’s an efficient and high-value conversation guide.

Collaboration Preference Headlines

Answer the following list of headline questions and share them in your next 1:1 or team meeting.

• Email: What’s most important to know when communicating with you?
• Face-to-Face: When or what do you most value about face-to-face communication?
• Virtual/Online: What helps you most engage when meeting online?
• Meetings: #1 requirement to ensure a successful meeting in your opinion.
• Feedback: What helps you to receive and process feedback best

Insights Discovery

If you are not familiar with Insights Discovery, it is a highly valid, reliable, and consistent preference evaluator that generates individualized personal profiles. At KC&A, Insights Discovery is the preferred tool for establishing a common framework and language to support teambuilding and advanced team development. As a master practitioner (and a natural “anti-typist”) I am dedicated to the use of Insights as a tool to increase awareness, strengthen relationships, and increase understanding. The collective practitioners of KC&A are also experts in their respective crafts and are totally committed to guiding the honor of individuality of style along with all other forms of diversity.

The Insights Discovery profile instrument can be helpful in learning about self, thinking about others, and recognizing areas of strength, development, and communication impact. If you are interested in learning more for yourself, your team, or your organization, contact me at [email protected].